The Monster
by Kat Ryan
I am the voice that lives inside your head. I am the voice that you cannot escape. I am your own personal monster. I am depression.
You will never escape me, you will never be good enough. This is on repeat in my head every day. I have psychotic depression, which means I have symptoms of depression and psychosis. Psychosis is a loss of contact with reality. This includes but is certainly not limited to: delusions and hallucinations. Right now, the voices are overpowering. All at once they berate me with hurtful truths about me.
I take medication to help with everything, but I stopped recently. I felt better. I thought that they were gone. But you can never run from the monsters inside your head. My parents think everything is better. They think I’m fixed, but I’m not. I just want it to all go away. I want to be normal.
You’re so stupid, just face it, the monster says. You are worthless, no one cares about you. You should just fall into the darkness.
Yes. Darkness. Maybe dying is the perfect escape. If I die, the voices will go away, and maybe, I can be free from life. They are right, no one would miss me. My friends left me alone. Right when I needed them most. I make my decision.
You’ll never accomplish anything. Idiot. Loser. Disgusting, what a waste of skin you are. You are a fat illiterate pig. Listen to us, we know what is best. Lie down and sleep, forever and ever. I make my way to the cliffs overhanging the rocky shore below. Right on the edge I freeze: should I go through with it? This will not solve anything, is what my brain says, but I’m so tired.
Do it, no one wants you. You’re just a burden to everyone, why do you think your friends left you? Why do you think your parents don’t ask you how you feel? Why doesn’t anyone spend any time with you? Just DIE! I take a deep breath and say I’m sorry and jump.
Kathryn Ryan is a senior at Columbia College pursuing a major in middle level education with a focus in English. Her previous work has been featured in earlier volumes of The Criterion. When she graduates, she hopes to become a middle school English teacher.